The Vanitas Ads
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: To fund Kingdom Hearts III, Vanitas and the other characters sign up for a series of original takes on commercials, including Geico, State Farm, Snickers, Allstate, and more! Oh, the humanity! And now you know why Vanitas and gang don't do commercials...
1. Geico

**I don't know why, but I was inspired to write a story starring Vanitas. Yes, it will have Sora, Riku, Cloud, Sephiroth, Kairi, Ven, Terra, Aqua, and everyone else in there, but Vanitas is in the spotlight! So it'll be my second villain-centric story...I think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Klondike Bars, or Geico.**

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><p>Vanitas scrutinized his audience with much intensity. "Does switching to Geico really save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?"<p>

He narrowed his eyes to knowing slits. "Does an obsese Sephiroth make a poor arch enemy?"

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><p>Cloud drew First Tsurugi and darted forward heatedly. "Sephiroth!" he shouted, right before halting his steps in astonishment.<p>

"Cloud?" Sephiroth tried to say, but all that came out of his mouth was a cry of "CLMMPH?" as donut crumbs plummeted off his triple chin and onto his protruding belly. Sephiroth was a mess. His hair was matted where he had spilled sea-salt ice cream and his leather "bondage gear" garments were stretched to the limit and even ripped. Even his rolls had rolls!

He swallowed thickly. "Prepare...to suffer...Oh, I would _certainly _kill you for a Klondike Bar at the moment."

"Oh, shut up!" Cloud rushed Sephiroth. Meanwhile, the other reached a stubby, chubby arm back to reach for Masamune, only to come up short as Masamune was out of his reach. "And I didn't even finish my do-"

SLASH! Cloud sliced through Sephiroth...and nothing happened.

Sephiroth tried to eye the cut with distaste, but he couldn't see around his bulging gut. "Oh, bother. I should probably diet."

Cloud glared on.

Ven smiled at the camera cheekily as he said, "Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more!"


	2. State Farm

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, State Farm, Super Princess Peach, Pokemon, Final Fantasy, or Milk Duds.**

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><p>Walking out of the studio, Sora laughed and put his hands behind his ridiculously spiky head in a relaxed manner. "Another great day of filming!" Strutting next to Sora, Riku nodded in agreement as Sora queried, "So how much longer until we're all finished with Kingdom Hearts III?"<p>

Riku shrugged. "Probably after they make a few more of the spin-offs. I heard they've written Super Princess Kairi for the DS and a Heartless, Nobody, and Unversed version of Pokemon called Turquoise Version or something, since they're running out of ideas for names. They added me as the sixth gym leader, fighting with a stacked team of the 'dark type' to fit my personality. Typical."

"Oh yeah, I remember them talking about that. I'm not in it, but Pikachu was redesigned and given spiky blond hair so he could be Cloudchu instead, complete with a special Omnislash atta-" Sora stopped his stroll, gaping at the sight before him. "Riku, is _that_ your car?"

"Affirmative," Riku replied with a grin as Sora ogled the shiny black sports car. "I bought it with the royalties they gave me!"

"Shotgun!" Sora called needlessly, jumping excitedly on the balls of his feet.

Riku rolled his eyes. "Sora, there's no one else here to get-"

"IT'S THEM!"

Sora and Riku froze faster than one of Demyx's water clones being whalloped by Vexen's ice powers of doom. "Oh, crud."

The fan girls had found them.

"To the car!" Riku hollered as he and Sora fled from failed cosplayers, Keyblade wannabes, and dull females wearing homemade T-shirts portraying their favorite pairings. Sora had to smack away manicured hands as he shut himself inside Riku's car. "Drive, car, drive!"

Riku stuck a wimpy key into the ignition (you'd think they'd save money on keychains by just using their Keyblades, but NOOO). "Back off, you bunch of overzealous-" The sound of crunching metal and shattering glass interrupted him as a baseball bat careened into his windshield, showering everyone with a cascade of lethal glass confetti.

"My CAR!" Riku hissed in fury.

Sora closed his eyes and crossed his fingers. "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!"

Vanitas popped into the backseat. "Hey," he said without much interest.

"With bulletproof windows!" Riku added. New windows appeared to replace the broken, and, amusingly, one fan girl crushed her right hand trying to obliterate the new windows.

"And some bear tranquilizer!" Sora cried. Cackling like a banshee, Vanitas snapped his fingers for dramatic effect as he conjured a tranquilizer gun for Sora. Flashing his insurance agent a grateful smile, Sora summoned his Keyblade, rolled down the window, and shot darts and beams of light into the crowd.

"And a couple bishōnen!" Riku shouted when the crowd did not wane.

Marluxia and Zexion materialized in the backseat next to Vanitas. "What the-"

That was all they managed to say, because it was then that Riku and Sora hurled them out of the car via sunroof and into the mob.

"OMG!" the gaggling girls screeched as the two pretty boys collided with the asphalt. The car vanished, but they only had eyes for "Marly-Poo" and "Zexy-Kins", as they were affectionately dubbed.

Up on the roof of the studio, Sora regarded the havoc below and said, as an afterthought, "And some Milk Duds!" The box of chocolates in his hand, he, Riku, and Vanitas plopped down on the ground to watch the mayhem.

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><p><strong>My favorite is still Geico...<strong>


	3. Kids' Bop

**So thinking of ideas for these made me realize that about half of these won't have Vanitas in them, since they'll be focused on Oganization XIII, the Final Fantasy or Disney characters, or Sora and Riku and a little bit of Kairi. Granted, there will **_**still **_**be plenty of Birth By Sleep ones, so relax!**

**This chapter was inspired by me finding out that Sephiroth was voiced by Lance Bass in the first game. You know, that gay guy from N*Sync. I couldn't help myself.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story.**

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><p>"Hello," Vanitas said to no one in particular, though he somehow seemed able to stare down everyone watching him. "Are you tired of hearing songs by the original artist? Do you wish that you could hear annoying idiots sing your favorite songs instead? Look no further and buy Characters' Bop today, a CD sung by characters for characters! Featuring favorites such as...<p>

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><p>"Sora!"<p>

As thousands of mesmerized fans watched, an oblivious Sora...that is to say, an oblivious Sora and his many copies, fell from the sky, touching down all around Riku and the Heartless.

In unison, Sora and his multitude of Sora clones did a jazz square, raised their Keyblades to the sky, and serenaded, _"It's raining me's! Hallelujah! It's raining me's!"_

Riku gawked. "Oh, Sora, are you okay-"

"Shut up, Riku!" they all shouted at the silver-haired bishie.

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><p>"Stitch!"<p>

The furry and blue koala-like alien garbled into a microphone, _"Cuando you walk away, you no hear Stitch say! Por favor, baby, don't go! Simple en limpio es the way you make I feel tonight! Hard to go go!"_

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><p>"The protagonists of Final Fantasy VII!"<p>

"_Estuans interius ira vehementi! Estuans interius ira vehementi! Sephiroth! Sephiroth!" _sang Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockhart, Yuffie Kisaragi, Aerith Gainsborough, Cid Highwind, and Zack Fair, none of them looking too happy about having to sing their arch enemy's theme song.

"Can't his Latin choir sing this for the CD or something?" Cloud muttered to the others.

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><p>"And Sephiroth, making an appearance for the first time in years!"<p>

Sephiroth combed his bangs with his long fingers as he held a microphone with the other hand and belted out, _"It might sound crazy but it ain't no lie, baby, bye, bye, bye!"_

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><p>Vanitas pointed at the camera expectantly. "So what are you waiting for? You can get this CD for twenty! ...That is, twenty easy payments of thirty-nine ninety-nine! Call now and we'll even throw in a second copy for free! Heck, we might even give you a pet Shadow Heartless for no extra charge! So buy now, you losers! Or else-"<p>

"What the heck, Van?"

Vanitas halted mid-sales pitch. "Oh, hello, Ventus. How are - don't call me Van, you tard!"

Ven stomped towards his darker half, fists clenched. "You didn't mention _my _song! I worked weeks on it, but NO, I suppose it just isn't good enough for you!"

"Ven, we're on camera-"

Ven paid Vanitas no heed as he melodiously warbled, _"I don't want_ _another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold! I don't want my love to go to waste! I want you and your beautiful SOUL!" _He glared at Vanitas. "Not _your _soul, obviously, since that would forge the x-blade, but maybe Aurora...she was pretty!"

Vanitas facepalmed. "Get off camera, Ven, or else I'll gut you like a fish! This is supposed to fund our next game, you know!"

"Sheesh!" yelled Aqua from off-camera. "Stop threatening Ven, you freak, or I swear i'll go Thundara on your-"

Vanitas fled the scene, terrified of Aqua.

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><p><strong>Note: I really like this story so far. This doesn't mean that I'm giving up on my other ones, of course, but the updates for everything will probably be very random. I promise to have at least two more commercials by the end of the month!<strong>


	4. MasterCard

**This one is short and sweet. Here you go!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or MasterCard.**

**MasterCard**

Potion: Forty munny.

Hi-Potion: One hundred munny.

Ether: One hundred and twenty munny.

Defeating Xemnas with the Sweet Memories Keyblade, complete with those adorable little honeybees and flowers that pop out and constantly remind you of Winnie the Pooh: priceless.

There are some things munny can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

**No characters at all...oh well. Take it as it is. **


	5. Stupid High School Drama Shows

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the Final Fantasy series.**

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><p><strong>Stupid High School Drama Shows<strong>

_"On the next shocking episode of _Islands of Destiny..._"_

Riku screamed in fright as he glanced down at what was before him. "How could I get an F on the spelling test?"

"Oh no!" Sora exclaimed in fright, holding the palms of his hands against his cheeks. "Now we won't be able to be employed!"

"Gawrsh, fellas," Goofy said, carefully hiding his perfect score. "Don't cha think you're being too hard on yourselves?"

Sora and Riku continued to scream in terror.

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><p>"Now," Vanitas, the school therapist, said as he scribbled notes on a clipboard. "Why are you here today, Cloud?"<p>

Cloud stared off into space with a haunted expression. A demented sock puppet was on his right hand. "I hear voices...in my head...they tell me to do things..." he moved the puppet's mouth. "'Give Sephiroth the Black Materia, Cloud...'"

Vanitas jotted down more notes. "I see...Carry on, son."

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><p>Xion smashed Riku into a brick wall. "Is it me or is it Mickey, Riku? TELL ME!"<p>

Riku moaned, "Xion, Mr. Vanitas told you not to read that awful fan fiction!"

Xion continued to pummel Riku until someone off-camera exclaimed, "Someone stop her, she's giving him a concussion!"

Lexaeus and Xaldin moved to seize Xion, and the scene cut to something entirely different.

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><p><em>"Will Sora and Riku survive unemployment? Will Xion defeat the horrors of bad fan fiction? Will Cloud develop an obsession regarding his mother and burn the place to the ground? Only time will tell on the next episode of <em>Islands of Destiny_!"_

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><p><strong>Yeah...that one was really random, I know. Up next: Bud Lite!<strong>


	6. Bud Lite

**Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts or Bud Lite.**

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><p>"Oh, Kingdom Hearts!" Xemnas cried, pouring his nonexistent heart into his speech as he got on all fours beneath Organization XIII's incomplete version of Kingdom Hearts. "Lying in wait for us to claim you, perfect, amazing, indescribable perfection of perfect proportions..."<p>

"How many Kingdom Hearts speeches does this make?" Roxas whispered to Axel.

"Thirty-four," Axel replied quietly before whipping his head forward, ensuring that the Superior hadn't caught the little interruption. As much of a prick the Superior was, Axel didn't want him realizing the plans Axel had to betray them.

Then again, everyone besides Roxas (too new to the world to comprehend betrayal) and Demyx (either too lazy to try, too cowardly to commit, or too stupid to understand) was plotting to take over, so it was nothing new.

"Are you calling to me, Kingdom Hearts? You sure do seem to be. Great Kingdom Hearts, you remind me of an ice cream truck on a hot summer's day: refreshing, revitalizing, and good for the soul, for you provide the heart to accompany the-"

"Hey everyone!" Demyx cried in glee as he rushed into the room. "The Dancers and I just came back from our mission! We have Bud Lite!"

The reaction was instantaneous. If the idea of leaving Xemnas mid-speech wasn't terrible enough, then the consequences of said actions were absolutely horrendous, too dreadful to think about...

But everyone was willing to risk punishment in the face of alcohol and intoxication to rival Gaston at his worst (In fact, it was due to this night that Marluxia began using antlers in all of his decorating...probably compensation for something).

"RUN FOR IT!" Xigbar screeched as they all sprinted for their beer. Unsurprisingly, it was Larxene who was out the door first, kunai in hand. Close behind her were the brawny Lexaeus elbowing his way through, followed by Xaldin, who simply flew overhead.

Xemnas sat there dumbstruck for a few moments before he shot another glance at Kingdom Hearts. He glanced down at his boots, glowered at a bird poop stain, and leveled his gaze at Kingdom Hearts once more. "Screw a heart, I have beer."

And he teleported away, showing why he was Superior in the fact that he actually thought of using his teleportation in the first place.

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><p><strong>If you're upset that I did a beer commercial...I'll let you know that Above the Influence is next, starring your favorite Organization!<strong>

**I apologize for the absence of Vanitas...but hey, that's life.**


	7. Above the Influence

**Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts or Above the Influence...this is probably my weirdest one yet.**

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><p>"Hey, Xigbar!" Roxas exclaimed with a wave as he took a stroll around the Gray Room in his search for free items. For some reason, the other Organization members never had any use for the various healing items they picked up on their missions, and would always hand them out to him like Halloween candy. Or maybe they thought he'd need them since he was just a kid and couldn't take care of himself...<p>

Those heartless jerks. Heartless, a pun! But, since Roxas also lacked a heart, he didn't see any reason to laugh or facepalm.

It was with this in mind that he approached the one-eyed man with the funny mannerisms. True, he had never asked Xigbar for potions before, but hey, it was worth a shot. Even _Larxene _had given him a freaking elixir once! "Do you have any potions?"

"I know what you're after, Roxas," Xigbar muttered knowingly.

Roxas smiled and gave a sigh of relief. "So you _do _have-"

"You're just like the others, huh, kid?" He grabbed Roxas by the collar of his Organization cloak. "Potions, elixirs, hi-potions...they're all code for _pot!_ So, kid, you smoke? Don't look the type."

Roxas attempted to shut his gaping mouth, but to no avail. "What? Xigbar, no, never! I know that drugs are very, very bad for you! They make you sick, you get herpes, and then...YOU DIE."

Xigbar gasped dramatically. "You don't say! I should stop my terrible habits, but it is so difficult! If only I...Alright, alright," said Xigbar, stopping his monologue before it began. "Who wrote this commercial?"

Roxas frowned and pulled out his script. _"Sora!" _he groaned, guessing.

His Other glanced up from the nearby mini-fridge as he opened a can of Mountain Dew. "What? I may be sappy, but I don't write like _that."_

Vanitas facepalmed from the director's chair. "Alright, cut!" he consulted his own copy of the commercial script. "This commercial ends with Roxas and Xigbar going on a picnic while various people sing a unromantic rendition of "Something There That Wasn't Before" from _Beauty and the Beast..._Dear x-blade, this is the cheesiest thing I have ever read. What loser this crap?"

Not too far away, Leon sunk down in his seat guiltily, noticed only by Lexaeus, who decided not to comment.


	8. Snickers

**Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy Versus XIII or Snickers. Terra, Kairi, and other characters make their debut! Obviously, this is AU, though Sora and co. are actually heroes, they will still hang out with the villains on "their off days." Basically, it's a Meta Fic. But Vanitas is still a douche. Enjoy!**

**I'm also reconsidering the title, since these things practically write themselves and Vanitas is rarely in them anymore. Any suggestions?**

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><p>Thanks to the ridiculous amount of time the studio was spending on Final Fantasy Versus XIII, the characters of Kingdom Hearts were spending an off day on Destiny Islands, somehow managing to fit most of the cast on the tiny islet Sora, Riku, and Kairi always played on.<p>

It was also a nice day for a game of 500.

"Mystery box, dead or alive!" Sora yelled with a grin as he whipped the blitzball up in the air. Riku, Yuffie, Ven, Cloud, and Zack all scrambled to catch it, while Aqua, Kairi, Roxas, Axel, and several others relaxed on a picnic blanket, enjoying sea-salt ice cream that somehow hadn't melted in the tropical weather without any type of cooler.

Ven smirked as the ball was within his grasp. "Gotcha - OOF!" A hideous, obese tentacle smacked right into his face, sending the poor Keyblade wielder flying.

"Ugh!" Ursula groaned as she plopped herself down in the midst of the players, a revolting scowl upon her face. "Light, all of you, stop staring! These heat is ridiculous! Honestly, why are we on an _island _in this middle of this tropical heat wave? You all are a bunch of idiots!"

"Hey!" Sora cried defensively. "What's your problem? And didn't I beat you a few months ago? You should be dead!"

Snarling at Sora, Ursula unexpectedly plucked the blitzball from the ground and threw it at Sora, who had no time to summon his Keyblade before it collided with his nose.

"Get out of here!" Riku growled at Ursula as he stepped in front of Sora, protecting his friend.

"Yeah!" agreed Yuffie. "You strange...octopus diva drag queen thing?"

"Oh, shut your yaps, all of you!" Ursula waved yellow-painted fingernails at the crowd as she examined her arm. "Ugh, and would you look at that? I'm getting sunspots in all this island weather! You imbeciles and your home, it's because of you I'm dying here! WATER, SOMEBODY FETCH ME WATER!"

Cloud and Zack exchanged glances before backing away, deciding to remain out of this one. Ven was still picking himself up, Sora was leaning against a palm tree, and Riku was glaring at Ursula. Finally, Kairi came from the sidelines and offered Ursula a strange chocolate delicacy. "Here, eat a Snickers bar."

Sneering at the redhead, Ursula snatched the King Sized Snickers bar away and gobbled up half of it greedily. Then the gobbling slowed as "Ursula" reverted back to normal.

"Better?" questioned Kairi.

"...Yeah," answered Terra, as the others laughed at his expense.

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><p><strong>There's a Kingdom Hearts poll on my profile!<strong>


	9. Stride Gum

**Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, Disney Vacation Club, Mario Kart, Power Rangers, Star Fox, Final Fantasy, or Stride gum. Here's how it is: the events of the game happened, but the entire cast is sofurious with how long it's taking the next game to come out that they're working together to make some moolah by working on commercials. **

**It's basically the same concept as Mario go-karting with Bowser. Yeah.**

**Still reconsidering the title! Seriously, I need some help. There just isn't a big enough niche for Vanitas in the commercials for him to be the title character!**

**Important note: I don't dislike Terra. Or Moogles, for that matter, who are a very sturdy and hard core species. This is not Terra bashing. I simply thought he had a terrible voice actor in Birth By Sleep, so he'd be a bad actor in commercials too.**

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><p>Happily chewing on his gum, Terra poured some milk into his bowl of Ansem-O's (part of this complete breakfast! Now with DARKNESS! chocolate chunks and thirty percent less of a chance of being possessed by whole grain goodness) and waited for them to become soggy. Chomping harder and harder on the sticky piece of spearmint tastiness, he stared vacantly at the camara, as if daring it to compete in a staring contest.<p>

Dumb move, Terra. Don't mess with the camera, for it has friends in high places.

The walls of the kitchen imploded, and five tights-clad Power Rangers burst in, all carrying Moogles by their pompoms, much to the Moogles' chagrin. Crying out in poorly acted out astonishment, Terra was unable to evade in time (DO A BARREL ROLL! Oh wait, only Ventus and Sora could use those) and was pummeled mercilessly by the Power Rangers. It turned out that grievous harm could, in fact, be caused by a Moogle's body.

The Moogles kept crying out with pleas of, "Kupo! Kupo!" and threats that will not be reiterated on live television due to censorship issues with the FCC, until something soared right out of Terra's mouth.

Well, actually, it was one of Terra's pearly white teeth that the Power Ranger in yellow caught. Terra's gum didn't come until afterward.

Clasping the gum in his hand, the Red Power Ranger found his cell phone and dialed. "Got the gum!" he shouted, and Terra could've _sworn _that was Sora's voice.

Immediately, a white van advertising for the Disney Vacation Club (Disney's best kept secret!) careened toward the crowd, stopping just in time to avoid hitting the Pink Power Ranger (Kairi's sigh of relief was quite audible to Terra as well). "Get in!" Donald blabbered from the driver's seat.

Everyone else made haste..except the black Power Ranger, who gave Terra a swift kick in the side, laughing insanely as he hopped in the car with everyone else.

Terra and the Moogles rubbed their heads, wondering what just happened.

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><p><strong>To celebrate the tenth chapter, I will be writing...a music video! But you get some say in it, too! Answer two questions and you may get to pick which rappers and female characters you want in the next ad, "Teach Me How to Donald"!<strong>

**One: Who would you rather have rapping: Sora, Donald and Goofy, or Sora, Riku, and Kairi?**

**Two: Which three female characters who have ever featured in Kingdom Hearts do you want to appear? It can be anyone, important or ridiculously minor, from Aqua, to Tifa, to Merryweather, to Maleficent, to Mrs. Potts...**

**See you real soon with the next act of idiocy!**


	10. Stupid High School Drama Shows II

**Hey guys. The song parody is taking awhile, so I wrote this to keep you all happy! I figured since the previous TV sitcom parody was reviewed so well, another one would be fine! So here it is.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Disney, Final Fantasy, Facebook, or Rebecca Black and "Friday".**

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><p><em>On the season premiere of <em>Islands of Destiny...

"Welcome all...to the Destiny Islands Spelling Bee PRELIMINARIES!" shouted the hammy announcer as the very, very sparse crowd, mostly composed of self-imposing parents and reluctant siblings, applauded politely. "Our first contestant up is...Sora!"

Sora gulped as he rose from his foldable chair. Why had his mom made him sign up for this? Sure, him and Riku failed spelling class, but big deal! So what if he couldn't spell "palindrome"? He could chop through skyscrapers!

"Sora...your first word iiiissss 'ROCK!' Spell 'rock', Sora!"

Sora bit his lip and closed his eyes in prayer. How the heck did you spell _that word?_

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><p>Cloud gratefully accepted a cookie from his mom as he logged onto Facebook. Smiling at her youngest son, Jenova headed to the kitchen (actually, Jenova was unable to assume her role as her body parts were scattered across the planet Gaia, so her understudy Belle had to take her place. All it took was three bottles of blue dye and a bear tranquilizer to appease Beast).<p>

After checking his notifications, Cloud went to post a new status...but something made Cloud grind to a halt.

Sephiroth had poked him.

Involuntary shudders careening throughout his body, Cloud rushed upstairs and kicked down the door of his brothers' room. "STOP TOUCHING ME!" he cried in anguish before jumping out the window.

Zack and Sephiroth stared at the hole in their window, not comprehending what just happened. Finally, Zack asked, "Was it just me, or did Cloud have a urine stain on his pants?"

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><p>Putting in earphones, Riku kicked the door to his locker shut as he walked to lunch, humming "I'll Make a Man Out of You" as he attempted to get a certain horrible song out of his head...It wasn't Friday! He checked! The mean teenage girl should stop suggesting it was and keep her autotuned mouth quiet!<p>

Sighing, he took his seat at the lunch table and pulled his peanut butter and banana sandwich out of a brown bag. How he hated pop music...

"Hey, Riku!" Spinning to greet his friend, Riku smiled and...the smile turned into a grimace as he summoned Way to the Dawn. "Get out of my life!" he cried as he shot several Dark Auras at Rebecca Black.

Moments later, Aqua ran up to him. "Riku, what the heck?"

Riku pointed at the unconscious body at his feet. "Aqua, can't you see? It's Rebecca Black!"

Aqua crouched down to the ground to take the girl's pulse. "Riku, you idiot, this is Xion!"

Riku dropped his sandwich in horror.

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><p><em>Will Sora remember how to spell "rock", or will he grow up to be unemployed ? Will Cloud get over his mental disorders, or will he need to visit Mr. Vanitas again? Will Xion regain consciousness, or will Roxas no longer have someone to eat ice cream with? All will be revealed on the next episode! Tune in!<em>

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><p><strong>I think I'm a worse speller than Sora. It seriously took me four minutes to figure out how to spell "preliminaries", and an additional twenty seconds to spell "tranquilizer". I also just spelled twenty wrong...Thank God for spell check.<strong>

**The funniest part about this is that the plot is better than the majority of high school AU plots on this website!**


	11. Allstate

**I'M ALIVE! And I'm posting this instead of Teach Me How to Donald because I couldn't think of a rap for Kairi...or Riku...only Sora worked.**

**I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Allstate.**

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><p><strong>Allstate<strong>

Vanitas lay sunbathing on a grassy hill, clad in Aqua cosplay gear. He had swapped out her tank top for a blue bikini top. About ten yards away or so, various bike-like contraptions were speeding around in a competitive Rumble racing game. Vanitas, however, had his eyes focused on the viewers. "I'm a hot teenage Keyblader trying to get a tan near some crazy racers."

Several more bikes careened past, turning the sharp corner Vanitas was near. "You're just racing, trying to win first prize so you can obtain one hundred percent completion for all of Birth By Sleep and unlock the secret movie." In the distance, a certain red and brown-armored Keybearer zoomed toward Vanitas on his glider. "However, you didn't expect to see the girl you've been hitting on for years in nothing but a bikini and short shorts...and you just zone out..."

Sure enough, Terra's helmeted head was turning toward Vanitas, and one could bet that underneath the helmet he was drooling at the prospect of Aqua being hot. Because we all know that Terra/Aqua is a canon pairing...Sure. "And sure enough - bam!"

Terra crashed right into the wall rather than turning the corner. He soared off his glider and smashed into the ground with a sickening thud. His helmet fell off, and there was a nice laceration near his hairline. "You attempt to heal yourself, but then you remember that you filled your entire command deck with confetti." The air above Terra popped as confetti exploded around him. "Misery loves company, so your friend joins you moments later. His command deck consists entirely of fireworks." Ventus, too, missed the corner and plowed right into the prone Terra.

"Things like this happen. That's why you should invest in Allstate, so you can be protected from Mayhem like me." Vanitas folded his arms and tried to look as smug as a teenage boy in a bikini can be.

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><p><strong>And...cut! Well? How was it after my long hiatus? By the way, I'm holding this story hostage. Wanna know why? Because over eighty people have favorited this story, but only fifteen of you will ever review! Not only that, but I'm incredibly busy with all my other stories and schoolwork and karate and friends and family, so unless this story gets an awesome amount of reviews, I'm done. It sounds manipulative, but the Pottermore Sorting Hat said I'm a Slytherin (despite every other quiz putting me in Gryffindor), so I have the right to be so!<strong>

**Besides, I want to make as many people laugh as possible, and readers are more likely to open this fic if it has a high review count per chapter. So let other people in our your amusement! It's like Disney Vacation Club: the best kept secret that really shouldn't be a secret...Yep.**

**You know you want to click that review button. **


	12. Match dot com

**This...was a long time in the making. I wanted to do thi. Chapter from the beginning, but I couldn't decide what pairing to do. So I chose one that has NEVER been written before...and now I love it. And no, I don't own anything, Square, Disney, and Match dot com do! **

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><p>Vanitas smiled once again at his audience. It was supposed to be a lovey-covey smile, but Vanitas's only possible facial expressions were his poker face and his rape face. In this case, he was wearing the latter...which, due to the content of the commercial, only made everything seem creepier than a RikuMickey fic.

"I spent my life without light, lost without hope. I thought a guy like me could never find true love...not because I'm ugly, I know I'm drop dead sexy and the fan girls know it, but because certain people told me I'm a monster. Not going to say names, but AQUA AND VENTUS!"

"Stick to the script!" Mickey ordered from the director's chair, trying his best not to sound harsh.

"Right..." Vanitas consulted the teleprompter before continuing. "Then one day, I was surfing the web for torture methods using only a Q-tip when I discovered match dot com. All I had to do was write down trivial info about myself like my favorite band and my credit score. It's not like I even have a credit score, I just steal stuff when I want it-"

"Script!" Mickey had to shout, his voice sounding a little more commanding this time.

"Then, a few days later, I found someone for me. Someone who could tolerate my need to TiVo both A Thousand Ways to Die and Desperate Housewives while I'm on the clock. Someone who had experience with dealing with angry, impulsive young men. Someone who liked the color violet and taking long walks in the forest and singing show tunes and brewing tea for my midnight snack...and I grew to love her." His eyes grew wide with adoration, but he was still oblivious to his awkward rape face.

That was when Mrs. Potts clanked onscreen and somehow leaped into Vanitas's arms. "And I love him too! Match dot com really is amazing!"

"And...cut!" Mickey exclaimed, and Namine slammed the clapboard shut. Vanitas and Mrs. Potts, however, just continued to spoon.

"Uh...guys?" Sora stammered. "I...don't think they're acting."

"No one understands us!" Vanitas bemoaned.

"There, there, dearie," Mrs. Potts soothed the boy. "I'll make you some tea-"

"NO! Please, don't leave me!"

"This is creepy," Donald muttered. At the same time, Snow White exclaimed, "This is hot!"and stole the camera from Xion the camerawoman.

"The world has gone insane!" Sora howled in horror, and he fled the studio.

Moments later, the pedestrians outside were being stampeded by terrified Disney and Square characters.

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><p><strong>This very definitely the weirdest one yet...maybe it's because I was listening to Caramelldansen while writing it? Also, I apologize for my stupid iPad's autocorrect.<strong>


	13. Kids' Bop II

**Due to the popularity of the first Kidz Bop parody, here is the second CD!**

**And NO, I still don't own anything. And if I did own Kingdom Hearts, I honestly think I wouldn't have allowed fanfics to be written about it. Come on, how many of the fics on here are poorly written and disgusting lemons?**

**That was a rhetorical question, for those of you who can't figure it out. **

**...And why are they called lemons, anyway?**

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><p>Vanitas wore an obviously fake grin on his face...which eliminated the point of trying to become dear to the viewers, as it just made him look like an ax murderer. Then again, some fan girls do like the crazy evil ones...<p>

"It's back! It's black! And it's way out of whack!" he said to the audience. "...Dear Light, I hate it when Ventus writes the script. He makes it so stupid."

"Shut up!" Ven yelled from off-camera. "I don't sound _that _lame when I say my lines in the games!"

"Yes, you do," Roxas muttered audibly, who despised his voice actor for making his own voice say such childish things.

"ANYWAY!" Vanitas hollered over the bickering doubles. "Are you ready for more tone-deaf characters to sing your least favorite songs?" He paused there, Dora the Explorer-style, before a frown graced his features. "No?" The frown morphed into a wicked, sadistic grin. "Well, frankly, I don't give any of my Unversed crap! This new CD features non-talents such as..."

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><p>"Donald Duck!"<p>

Donald used his octopus tentacles (and I thought platypuses were a disturbing combination) to dart about in the water. _"Swim this way, we'll dance and we'll play! Now it's very easy, come on in, just take a chance and-"_

"NEVER!" Sora shrieked defiantly as he rushed in and bashed the otcoduck on the head with Oblivion. "NEVER AGAIN!"

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><p>"The duet of Simba and Sora!"<p>

Simba busted into the African part of "Circle of Life."Siyo ngoba, ingonyama, ingonyama nengw' enamabala!"

Unfortunately for Sora, he had never practiced the song, and so he knew none of the lyrics whatsoever. English was hard enough for him, let alone this strange black magic!

So, when in doubt, improvise! "Pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom! Eat bananas, riding on a llama..."

Simba shot him an exasperated look but did not stop to question the idiot.

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><p>"The trio of Roxas, Zexion, and Riku!"<p>

Roxas popped up from behind a black piece of construction paper (they couldn't spare the munny to build a decent set, what with having to use their own funding to make Kingdom Hearts III). "E's for emotional, ruins everybody's day!"

Zexion hopped up immediately. "M is for miserable people!"

Riku joined them immediately. "O is for on the daaaark side 'cause we have some fresh cookies!'

"Cookies!" piped up Roxas.

"WHOO!"

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><p>"And, once again, <em>not <em>Ventus!"

Ventus was in the shower, his eyes closed as he passionately sang into his shampoo bottle. "I'm leavin', never looking back again!You found somebody who can do it better than he can! No more making you cry, no more gray..." At this point, Ven opened his eyes, glanced to his right, and made a horrifying discovery. "Vanitas, what are you doing in...is that a camera?"

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><p>Watching the commercial premiere on the set, Aqua turned to Terra. "Why do we have Vanitas, of all people, in charge again?"<p>

Terra shrugged. "He promised us all free ice cream, so we don't really sympathize with Ven's suffering anymore..." He licked a bar of sea-salt goodness as Aqua facepalmed.

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><p><strong>I have several ideas, but not sure what to do next...<strong>


	14. Ameriquest

**Voila, another chapter! Can you guys give me more commercial ideas? I'm planning commercials for Direct TV, Doritos, and Skittles, but I need more brain fuel!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Ameriquest.**

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><p>"Race ya!" Sora challenged Riku one day on the island's little beach one day, the two of them clad only in their swim trunks.<p>

Not one to really refuse a challenge, Riku nodded and hoisted up his own navy blue shorts. "You're on!" Riku sprinted into the sea, determined to beat Sora's red-attired butt to the tiny sandbar in the distance.

As he was just starting the breaststroke, a blur soared overhead; Sora, the little cheater, was using his glide ability instead of actually treading water.

"Sora, you little turd!" Riku growled.

Sora just chuckled and flew further - and then he clutched his stomach. "CRAMP!" He crashed into the water and, to Riku's horror, did not come back up.

"Crap!" he cursed, diving underwater. The salt water stung his eyes, but nevertheless he kept them open to aid his desperate search to save his best friend..._again. _Why did he always have to save Sora's -

There! He spotted a red and brown blur and reached for it, grasping material. With a heave, he swam up to the surface, dragging Sora with him all the way to dry land. Once on the sand, Riku gasped for air...but heard absolutely nothing from Sora, not even a breath. "Sora!" he cried, fearfully slapping his friend's face, eliciting no response whatsoever. Seeing his best friend almost dead - _again _- caused Riku's heart to leap into his throat, and he went to his last resort: CPR.

After the necessary pumping of the brunette's chest, Riku initiated the mouth to mouth procedure, delivering the breath of life, and pumping his chest again. On the tenth breath or so, Sora's eyes opened wide, and he began to breath once more.

"Thank God!" Riku said in sheer relief. "I thought you were holding out on me!" Sora, wide eyed and staring out in the distance, didn't respond, so Riku kept talking. "Seriously, Sora, mouth to mouth? Really? ...Wait, what are you staring at?" He turned around to follow Sora's line of sight...and he locked gazes with Kairi, whose jaw was quite possibly touching the ground.

Finally, Sora managed to whisper, "I think Namine's going to draw that 'fan art' of us again after this..." He promptly passed out.

Riku and Kairi didn't break eye contact, both of them feeling incredibly awkward - except Namine, who felt guilty for considering exactly what Sora had said.

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><p>"Ameriquest. Don't judge too quickly. We know we won't."<p>

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><p><strong>That one was weird...Well, Direct TV is probably next, unless I think of something better!<strong>


	15. Capri Sun

**This one is extremely short, but it's more speculation than anything...**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Capri Sun, or The World Ends With You.**

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><p>Sitting on the beach with your best friend, a Capri Sun , and your respective weapon of mass destruction at your feet is one heck of a way to spend the afternoon, Riku reflected as he took another thoughtful sip of the fruit punch drink.<p>

Sora, with his grape Capri Sun, sighed. "You haven't talked in awhile. Have you finished yours yet?" Being careful with his now empty juice pouch, Sora set it on the sand and glanced at Riku.

Riku shrugged. "Just thinking..." Sora, too, shrugged and stared out in the distance pensively.

Now, you may or may not be aware, but staring out in the distance pensively was _Riku's _thing. And Riku, well, he didn't like it when people tried to mimic him (it may be the sincerest form of flattery, but he also _loathed _suck-ups). And his best friend was currently copying him at the very moment.

He needed a distraction. Glancing at his pouch, a wicked smile set upon his face. "Hey, Sora!" The brunette glanced at him. Riku, still smirking, blew into his straw, inflating it until it was ready to burst.

Sora's eyes widened; he backpedaled on the sand away from Riku and shouted, "Riku, don't try it man!"

Riku ignored the sage advice and placed the pouch on the ground. He promptly stomped on it.

Behind Riku's head, there was the sound of whooshing air. Suddenly, Riku's head felt much lighter, and it didn't occur to him why until he spotted it in the wind.

_It _happened to be about two feet of Riku's hair.

Sora, from his seat, was gawking. "Riku..."

"MY HAIR! MY LUSCIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, BISHONEN HAIR!" Riku clutched at his short and spiky hair, now not even covering his neck. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening...

"Get a grip!" Sora stood up and grasped Riku by the shoulders. "I mean, it's not that bad..."

Riku stumbled past Sora and dashed to the water to stare at his reflection.

"Riku..." said Sora. "Okay, okay, you look like an idiot," he admitted.

"I hate my life..." Riku moaned. "Must...fight...emo urges..."

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><p>"Respect the pouch!" Vanitas ordered as he shoved a straw into his own pack of Capri Sun. "Respect it!"<p>

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><p><strong>And that, my friends, is how Riku got his now rather infamous haircut. Seriously, his new hair annoys me.<strong>

**So...what next? It's up to you! Direct TV? Priceline Negotiator? Skittles?**


	16. Direct TV

**Well, the reviews added to most people wanting Skittles, followed by Priceline Negotiator and Direct TV. Since I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the first two, here's Direct TV, but mark my words, I will post the other teo commercials as well!**

**Anyway, I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Direct TV.**

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><p>If your cable company fails to uphold their policies, you'll get depressed.<p>

When you get depressed, you'll eat sea-salt ice cream as a comfort food.

When you eat sea-salt ice cream as a comfort food, you'll become addicted and binge frequently.

When you become addicted and binge frequently, you'll become morbidly obese.

When you become morbidly obese, your gelatinous arms won't be able to lift your weapon.

And when your gelatinous arms aren't able to reach your weapon, you'll be sliced deli-thin by Sephiroth for stealing his cookies.

Don't be sliced deli-thin by Sephiroth for stealing his cookie. Get Direct TV.

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><p><strong>Okay, so the cookie-crazy Sephiroth is a bit of a joke from my Dissidia Christmas fic, but anyone is able to. Get it, even without ever having read it! <strong>

**Anyway, I'm still promising to write Skittles and Priceline, so stay tuned. Reviews keep me motivated!**


	17. Political Ads

**Had to get this out today, before it was too late! Skittles will be up eventually.**

**I own nothing!**

**Just imagine that Xehanort and Vanitas are running against Xemnas and Xigbar.**

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><p><strong>Political Ads<strong>

"This ad is brought to you by Xehanort-Vanitas, 2012.

"What do you truly know about Xemnas?" queried Master Xehanort ominously. The fake-baked man in question sauntered before the camera, smiling as if he had won a lifetime supply of Happy Meals, unable to comprehend that those Happy Meals in the long run would only make him obese and give him a heart attack at age thirty-six.

"This so-called man and his political machine called Organization XII. They offer up empty promises of sunshine and butterflies and stickers and bishonen boyfriends and rainbows to Ponyville...but these are all LIES." Now Xemnas, still on candid camera, was laughing maniacally at some oddity or another, perhaps another picture of an owl made of macaroni made by Demyx to be put on the fridge.

"Did you know that Xemnas spends a quarter of the allotted budget on his tanning club membership? This is one of the many concealed atrocities this man has committed. The blame doesnot solely rest on him, but on his trusted cabinet as well. Xigbar drowns children's goldfish, Xaldin has been known to smuggle marijuana across the Agrabah border, Vexen is responsible for the dinosaur extinction (we checked), Zaxion cuts himself as he listens to My Chemical Romance, Saix is a promoter of bestiality, Axel is a pedophile, and Marluxia...is just a crime against humanity. No one will ever understand his pink hair.

"Did I mention that Xemnas will brainwash your children with Jesse McCartney music." The scene shifted to that clip of Ventus in the shower from the old Kidz Bop commercial, only Ventus was Photoshopped to look like Roxas...in other words, no Photoshop was used whatsoever.

"Vote for Xehanort, 2012. Yes, we have told you nothing about our actual intentions for office, but even so, vote for Xehanort if you want free bacon. If you vote for Xemnas, the terrorists win. You're not a terrorist, are you? Do you just want to watch the world burn? So vote for Xehanort, because _he is watching you..."_

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><p><strong>Okay, that was weird, yet it was still superior to every other mudslinging ad I've seen this year. I'm so sick of them. Sneaky Dark Knight reference for the win!<strong>


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